witchcraft

What is witchcraft? I researched a little and found the very things they do replicate the very things God does, interesting. Why would anyone use it? Maybe to manipulate their destiny, maybe the feeling of being out of control of one's own destiny is just too much to handle so quite possible manipulating it give a sense of control. Yeah whatever. The only things we have control of are the next steps we take and truly I hope they are in the direction that will bring me happiness. I hope my next steps will not take me off a cliff although maybe that wouldn't be too bad, it'd be over. Some days are better than others. There are two ways to look at things the possibilities are endless so really you can turn in any direction or your trapped in your current life and there's nowhere to go. I opt for the former, I'm just not quite sure how to begin this adventure, maybe a move I don't know. I guess we'll see.

School

I'm in the middle of my masters in psychology. It's wierd, tiring, sometimes interesting, mostly mind numbing. I'm bored when I'm not in school, it keeps me occupied, helps me get through the idle times. I'll do my phd in a year, then I hope I work really hard all the time and that will keep me from thinking too much. Although it's psych, you're supposed to think all the time, but at least it's not about me. I'm supposed to tell everyone else why they have the problems they have. You know the greatest minds in psychology were the most screwed up individuals in life. Sigmund Freud was coked out of his right mind.

Disillusioned

I was in love with a person who I thought was someone else. He made my heart ache it got so full, he touched me and I melted he could talk for hours and I'd hang on every word. I would have done anything for this person, anytime. I would have never lied, cheated, committed only half way I truly would have been there 100%. But he wasn't who I thought he was, he lied, he hid, he made excuses and he fell out of love with me. Maybe he was just being who he really was and maybe I was looking through rose colored glasses. The death of a great hmm I don't know, love? lust? I'm not sure, is incredibly painful, your left with a watered down relationship filled with talk that doesn't matter, it's sad. It's hard when someone looks at you and lets you know you're not enough anymore, your faults are intolerable, he no longer calls as often. He doesn't move heaven and earth to come to you anymore, the passion's gone. He doesn't say the things he used to say and he definitely doesn't want to hear the things you have to say. So you make small talk, you have sex that's not quite what it was, somethings missing, but he won't say. Disillusioned.

Yeshua

I met a man in a vast open space, the wind blew I could hear his thoughts, I could summon his presence there were always three of us talking, sometimes at once, sometimes not at all, but I could hear him. The union was complex, multidimensional, spiritually initimate, ancient in years and always a completion for my soul. I learned many things from this man he was far superior in all his ways, stronger mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I was insignificant but I was greatly moved by the love and the knowledge and wisdom he imparted. We shared many things together I never lied to him I only spoke what was in my heart I wouldn't dare speak anything else, he would detect the slightest untruth and my heart would be exposed. The longer we spent together the weaker and more exposed I became I couldn't stand alone anymore I needed him, his very touch, his voice, his presence, I could no longer live without him. I knew my spirit could no longer survive without him and my body could no longer breathe in his absence, this was dangerous, life threatening, I was exposed to my very core. As this weakness became more obvious to me I began to look for places to hide from him. It never worked it seemed the very air I breathed he was in no matter how far away he was. We were from different worlds and shared nothing in common and everything together and yet as I was exposed I began to wonder who he really was. I tried so hard to listen to him that i didn't hear him anymore I tried so hard to understand that I didn't have a clue. The longer we spent time together the more he appeared to struggle within himself, as if tormented. Our power together was immense it held no boundaries, no limits and yet he struggled even more.

It's agonizing to be in the presence of the very being who holds your heart and not be able to reach them. I began to stammer for words realizing that I was galaxies away from reaching him I felt small.

When we are presented with the possibility of the bare truth and rejection from the very person who holds our soul we lash out we disassociate ourselves we attempt to stand alone without that person, we push them back in attempt to stand by telling them we don't want anything they have to offer us. While all the time we will die without them, but we can't let them know. They might crush us, leave us, destroy us, and actually they usually do. After all we're protecting ourselves so we're rejecting them, hurting them before they hurt us. Appearing as though we don't need them we're fine without them.

I guess we have a choice if we really don't care then be courageous enough to say we don't. But when we do, when we love that person be courageous enough to let down the barriers and love them no matter what, because either way whether they reject us or we reject them and then they reject us, they are going to take a piece of us with them and we are going to die a slow painful lonely death.

However, if things come to a point of permanent absence integrity requires that we do it the right way because we love them. You know once you finally really love someone it's an always n forever thing you can't just turn it off, not if it was real, and you know if it was, you take it with you into eternity.